Yeah, so, I had my first appointment this week with the psychotherapist.
She was nice, we got on OK, I’m supposed to see her again in two weeks but I don’t think I’ll be seeing her again. I don’t think I can.
I feel like shit. Have done since I saw her. All the progress I’ve made on how I feel about myself is gone. I now feel even worse than I did.
The voice in my head is back, worse than it was before. Now it’s on loop, constantly –
Stupid, ugly, fat, lump, blob, and on and on.
And I was feeling pretty good, I’d got my sister to cut my hair, she’d dyed it and I was starting to get back a bit of spark. All gone now because of how I feel about her and how she looks, which is ridiculous really. I’ve never felt this knocked back by how someone looks like this before. And I think it’s because, if I could choose how I looked, I’d look like her. I can’t talk to her about how much I don’t like myself, I can’t sit across from her and tell her I’ve never liked me.
The words that spring to mind are Amazonian, Valkyrie, a warrior princess, she reminds me of Lucy Lawless as Xena, (except she was dressed obviously). She totally fits the definition of statuesque – attractively tall, graceful, and dignified. She’s a couple of inches taller than me, (I’m too tall to be short and too short to be tall), long, caramel coloured hair, with blonde streaks, perfectly co-ordinated outfit, effortlessly stylish, not beautiful, but striking. And an accent, not sure what, but European, I’d need to talk to her more to be sure.
And now I’m left feeling like a ridiculous lump, trying to be something I’m not and I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to try anymore. I feel like I should hide away back in my corner and stop pretending I’ll ever be more than nothing.