For five nights now I’ve not been able to sleep properly. I’ve had problems sleeping since I was a baby, my mum says I never slept. It’s been the same off and on all my life, sometimes worse than others. The last couple of years it’s actually been pretty good and I’ve been able to go to sleep at a reasonable time and get up in the morning. I think a lot of that is to do with the fact that I have made myself get into a routine. I have kids and I have no idea how many days of school they missed or were late because of my sleep problems. So now no matter how tired I am I get up when the alarm goes off and they get to school. I have spent the last three years doing full time courses at the local Adult Ed. centre, another reason to get up. I walk there and back every day and the combination of routine and exercise seems to help. But the last few nights it’s been pretty bad, it’s the holidays so no school for the kids and no college for me. Here in Ireland secondary schools and colleges finish at the end of May, primary schools finish at the end of June so it’s been six weeks since my routine went out the window. For a while I still got up so I was still going to bed OK, but you know how it is, why should I get up if I don’t have to?
So for the last five nights either I lie there tossing and turning for a couple of hours, drop off around 2am, wake up at 4, spend another couple of hours awake and then sleep till 9 when I get up. Or I can drop off no problem but I wake up an hour later wide awake and then we have the tossing and turning etc. I know all the tips and tricks to deal with the problem but nothing works.
One thing I know isn’t helping is that I’m lonely, I miss my boyfriend, I miss his hugs and I’m definitely missing the sex. Because of life we only get to see each other at the weekends. He lives on the other side of the country, has a job, a house, so he can’t really move. I have kids who for the first time in a long time have stability and routine. I’ve thought about moving, I could finally go to a real college, get a degree, get a job but right now my kids come first. I’ve one heading into exams, one moving to secondary and I have to stay where I am. My boyfriend also has kids and the weekend just gone he was away visiting them so I haven’t seen him for 8 days and won’t see him until Friday. I can manage between weekends, but the longer breaks? It’s hard but usually I get by. Not being able to sleep properly is a killer. I lie awake thinking about him which makes it harder to get to sleep which means I think about him more and round and round we go.
And that’s where the resentment comes in. I don’t resent my kids, or his, or his job, or the people who get to see him everyday. I don’t resent any of it. What I do resent is the situation, the fact that I have finally found someone, someone who is so right for me, someone who ‘gets’ me and we can’t spend more time together. One thing that cheered me up this morning was doing this 🙂