A few days ago I wrote a post about not being able to sleep and afterwards I came across a post by Marie Rebel about not sleeping because of the menopause which she wrote as part of The Menopause Diaries. This was one thing I hadn’t thought about. Reading through the list of symptoms I note that I have had most of them ever since I started having periods – no help there then.
In all honesty I have been longing for the day I finally reach menopause, I hate my periods, I always have. Before I had children I could spend up to 3 weeks of each month in severe pain, feeling sick and bloated, I’m sure some of you know how bad it can be and the only medical advice I got? “Learn to live with it.” I think after my third child things improved – I was down to a few days of feeling shitty. Fast forward through the years and my periods were still heavy, not to be disgusting but I had to change pads every couple of hours and frequently bled through. The good thing is that I had no pain or discomfort and they only lasted three days. I have been on Depo for contraception since January and all I have is occasional spotting and no other problems – bliss.
Even though I knew I was heading for the menopause I had never heard of peri-menopause, until last October. I have always struggled with depression and mood swings, which I’m pretty sure are linked to my hormones, but over the last five years or so I have learned to manage it. (I don’t take medication and haven’t had counselling, the reasons for which I’m not going to discuss here.)
Around Halloween last year I started to feel really bad again, not the way I usually felt during depressive phases but let’s just say it wasn’t nice. I couldn’t think straight, I developed a massive crush on someone that was never going to go anywhere, I started to get anxious in situations that had never been a problem before. By the end of it I had stopped going to college, I stopped my voluntary work and I pretty much just stayed home unless I had to go out. I started getting the symptoms I always got when I was pregnant – I was even contemplating doing a test. I hadn’t even kissed a man for five years how the hell could I be pregnant? But I was convinced I was. So off I headed to Google, the fount of all knowledge and typed in ‘pregnancy symptoms menopause’ and found page after page of women with the same thing. The strange thing is that as with dealing with my depression, knowing what’s causing the problem makes it easier to cope with. So long as I can remember to remind myself 🙂 and I think the Depo has helped even out the hormonal swings.
The big issue I’m having with it all is orgasms – or lack of them. I’ve never had a problem making myself come (although only one man was ever able to do it) but over the last couple of years it got more and more difficult to have an orgasm. I’m now at the stage where I don’t even try any more. After a long dry spell I’m now in a relationship and the sex is great, I have no issues with my libido or dryness thankfully but I still haven’t been able to have what I would call a proper orgasm – one of those cunt pulsating, full body, OH MY GOD! FUCK! YES! orgasms that I miss. I have to say that we don’t make my having an orgasm the main aim of sex, we enjoy it anyway, but I know he’d love to make me come and I’d love it too. I know that the contraception I use can affect the ability to have an orgasm but I’ve had this problem since before I started using it so the only thing I can put it down to is the fact that I’m getting older and the menopause is looming. I can only hope that it’s not permanent.