This is a rant so if you don’t want to read it that’s fine. I just need to vent. I started writing this last night when I was mightily pissed off. I was feeling sad, lonely, horny and I’d had a glass of wine which is never a good idea when I feel like that. Today I feel a lot happier but I decided to finish writing this anyway.
I’ve mentioned in a previous post about the Menopause that I have problems having an orgasm. It sucks. I’ve learned to accept the fact that right now (at least hopefully it’s only for now) I can’t have them. Most of the time I’m OK with it, not really but I deal with it, I don’t let it bug me. But the last couple of days it is bugging me.
I. Want. To .Come! Now, right this fucking second, I want a fucking orgasm!
Just one, that’s all I want, not much to ask. Even without all the reading and writing of smut lately, even without the pictures, even without the dirty Scrabble games, texting and phone calls, I’m horny. All the time. And what makes it even more frustrating is that I can’t scream and shout about it. I want to stand in the middle of the street and yell.
I WANT TO COME! I NEED TO COME! I NEED A FUCKING ORGASM!
But I can’t. So I thought I’d have a moan here instead. I used to be able to make myself come easily, a 30 second quickie or a long drawn out session, however I wanted it. But never with a man, except one. That was a bit of a pain too, but at least I could get myself off. But not any more. I hate menopause, I hate having to use contraception, I hate getting older. Sometimes I think it would be better if I didn’t want sex at all, but I do want sex, I enjoy sex, I fucking love having sex, but I still can’t come. I have tried everything, we have tried everything. One I’d love to be able to try is orgasm control and orgasm denial but I need to be able to have a fucking orgasm first!
I think this frustration is mostly to do with the fact that I haven’t seen Sir since last Sunday and it will be another two weeks until I see him again. Usually by Sunday afternoon I’d be in a drained, aching, sated little heap. But this weekend I’m not even going to get that, or next weekend, which is shit. But it can’t be helped, I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it. And I will. Doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.
Sometimes I even wonder if it would be better to go back to the way I was last year, to not have thought about finding someone. I wasn’t constantly horny then, I just needed some adult, male company, just sometimes. But then I would never had met Sir, never have started this journey, never have found out so many new things about myself and I wouldn’t have been researching advice on using nipple clamps which led via some fascinating blogs to this, a place where I can write about things like this. A place where finally feel like I’m starting to get to know me.