Wicked Wednesday #7
I haven’t been at this blogging lark for very long and I have a grand total of 43 posts! So when I saw this weeks prompt I wasn’t sure what I could revisit. I decided to go all the way back to last Thursday – Finding the words?
It was getting on for three weeks since I’d seen Sir and all I could think of was him using me. I couldn’t concentrate on writing properly, and having to go out into the vanilla world I live in was so hard, I couldn’t talk to anyone out there. I know it’s part of my depression that makes me feel like that, the being unable to communicate, the feeling that no-one could understand how I felt. In the past I wouldn’t talk to anyone about anything, I kept everything bottled up. In the last three or four years things have changed. By allowing other people in, allowing myself to talk to them, it really made such a difference. And when I started college full-time I was lucky enough to have two tutors in particular that I could talk to about anything, they were the best two years of my life up until that point. The problem was that the course finished, one of them retired and moved away and even though I went back to the same college last September it wasn’t the same. Different course, different people, I could still have the occasional chat with the other tutor but I really missed the long conversations we’d have in class. I had a flick back through the journal I started at the end of last October. I’ve had some bad episodes in the past but I think that was the closest I’ve ever come to actually giving in and going into hospital. But what a difference a year makes! Keeping up with the writing, meeting Sir, being able to explore my kinks, finding and reading other blogs, all this has helped me so much. Having this space to express how I feel has become a kind of safety valve, even if I don’t actually post some of the things I’ve written. Sometimes it’s enough to open a fresh page and just type, I may not finish, it may not make sense but it helps. And as crappy as I felt last week I know my life right now is good, I can’t believe how good it is. I have so much less stress in my life, I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and to top it off I have Sir.
Yesterday the tutor who retired came back for a visit. When I spoke to her she said she barely recognised me, that I looked so much happier, (she said I looked ten years younger, but I’m not so sure about that 🙂 ) She knows a lot about how my life was, we both had abusive exes and we discussed it a lot. She’s been happily married to a really nice guy for the last fifteen years and she was delighted when I told her I’d finally met someone. Our conversation made me realise how much I missed her but sometimes we just need to move on – and she really does look ten years younger.
Go see who else is being Wicked this Wednesday.