Endings

Wicked Wednesday #9 – Prompt #176 – “The End”

This post was going to be about the end of my twenty-odd year relationship with my abusive, narcissistic ex and the start of my learning to love me. As per usual when I started writing I got a bit carried away with researching, trying to find an easy to use list or chart with the different signs of an abusive relationship, traits of a narcissist etc. etc. Then I remembered that this was a blog post and not a college assignment. I read what I had written and deleted it. It was another whingy post and I’m in the mood to celebrate. So the basic facts – he was a prick, he made me feel like shit, he was controlling and he though that he was perfect.

Ten years ago was an end to his crap.

Six years ago was an end to being a victim.

Three years ago was an end to hiding away at home.

Last year was an end to just existing.

I now have a new life, one where I like me. It doesn’t involve him in any way, he has no interest in seeing his children for which we are all grateful – the older ones refer to him as the ‘sperm donor’. Life may not be perfect but it’s a hell of a lot better than it was.

I still occasionally feel ugly and stupid but I know a lot of that is because sometimes it can take a long time to reverse the conditioning (and the depression doesn’t help). I know I have people who love me and care about me and they are the ones who matter.

Last Saturday my best friend had a heart attack, thankfully she’s on the mend but it really made me realise that life is too damn short to spend it looking back and being miserable. And it’s too damn short to be giving a shit about how I look. This week I think I can sense an end to more of my negative thoughts and feelings about myself. I don’t know how long it’s going to last. I’m tired, I ache, my body hurts but this body has been appreciated by several men over the years and only one has ever put me down so fuck him, I’m going with the majority on this one!

Stretch2

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