Word for Wednesday #11
A little word of warning before I get into today’s word. Please be aware that this week’s post deals with consent, consensual non-consent, rape fantasies, rough sex and BDSM.
Communication: The imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, writing, or using some other medium.
I’m not good at talking, I’m better than I used to be but there are still some things I find it hard to talk about. I prefer to write. When I first met Sir in person, because we had messaged each other so much online and by text it was as if I had known him for much longer. I still have trouble remembering that we’ve known each other for less than a year. He knows more about me than anyone else, he knows the online me, he knows the real world me. He knows me. He understands me (most of the time), he accepts me and still he loves me.
Before we finally met there’d been no real discussion of sex or kink, the first night we talked a bit about bondage and spanking. For me that had to be a first! Since then we have talked about almost every aspect of BDSM and kink, what interests us and what we’d like to explore. I’ve never had a relationship like this before. Because I couldn’t talk to partners it made things difficult. I ended up doing things I didn’t want to do, in situations I didn’t want to be in, all because I couldn’t open my mouth and say ‘I’m not happy. I don’t want this.’
One of the big things for us is consensual non-consent. I’ve always had rape fantasies, fantasies about being either pinned down or tied up and being forced to have sex with lots of strangers, Sir knows this. He has fantasies about pinning me down and using me, hurting me, fucking my arse when I don’t want him to, I know he has these thoughts. The difference in this relationship is that we’ve talked about these things, we communicate. Sometimes I might tell him about my fantasies in a story because I find it easier, but I’m working on actually talking to him. After I’ve written about it I do find it easier to talk about it, I just have trouble actually bringing the subject up in the first place. And it means he has more material for that whole mind fuck thing he does when he’s whispering in my ear, telling me what he wants to do, what he wants me to do.
This blog is another way of communicating, we talk about the posts especially if it’s a story he hasn’t read or photo he hasn’t seen. We talk about some of the comments and the fact that there are complete strangers who are now looking at photos of me and reading my words. I think he likes that.
When it comes to consent and the consensual non-consent area of our relationship, the agreement is that when we are together I am available for his use at all times, whatever he wants. He can wake me up if he wants to use me, he can touch any part of me when he wants, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants. But sometimes I can be a contrary cow. We both like it when I make him make me do things, when he has to force me to open my legs or suck his cock. I love rough sex and to be honest, the rougher the better. But he knows the difference between ‘No, please don’t’ and when I need him to stop, for whatever reason. His name is our safe word because I rarely use it when I’m talking to him or during sex, he knows if I use it I’m serious about stopping. Even though he constantly tells me ‘You’ll do what you’re told.’ (Just writing that gets me hot!) Obviously there are times things don’t always go as planned – times when I’m not feeling great, or we have yet another family ‘thing’ to attend, (I have a big family) but we work around it, we talk about it.
I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot recently, I think because I’m visiting Sir this weekend, which means we have a lot more freedom to do what he wants. I’m nervous? Scared? Worried? Excited? I don’t know, all of these I think, but in a good way. Because we’ve talked about it I know a little about what he has planned and I know we’ll be exploring some more.
Communication has become so important to me now, I love the fact that we can talk about anything without any judgement, and I love the fact that I finally have someone that I can talk to.
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