On Cheating

Food For Thought Friday #2

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This week’s question: In a monogamous relationship what constitutes cheating? Is sexting cheating? A stolen kiss at a party? What about enjoying sexual fantasies about a co-worker or your spouse’s friend? Where is the line?

I wrote a post for Wicked Wednesday back in August about monogamy, but as to when is the line crossed? That’s something a bit different.

Way back when I was with my ex he’d think I was cheating if I even looked at another man, accusations would be flying pretty much all the time. It was fine if I talked to one of his friends but a couple of times he even accused me of sleeping with one of his brothers. I don’t know what he would have done If he’d found out just how much I was fucking around. But then I think if you cheat there must be something wrong with your relationship somewhere. And there was definitely a lot wrong with our relationship. One thing I wouldn’t do is get involved with anyone who was in a relationship, especially if they had kids. That was about the only rule I had.

I want to clarify what I mean by cheating.

For me, cheating is doing something without your partner’s knowledge, whether it’s sexting, kissing or full on fucking.

A bit of flirting is OK, I’m pretty sure most, if not all, of us flirt. And I think fantasising is a necessary part of finding out about ourselves – no-one complains about us daydreaming (unless we do it too much), but it seems that when sex is involved suddenly it becomes wrong. My life would have been incredibly dull without being allowed to spend time inside my head. And there’s also the fact that having talked about our fantasies Sir and I have a whole range of things we’ve done and still want to do.

If you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship then you really have to talk about things like this. Sir knows I spend much of my time online looking at photos of naked men and women, he knows I spend a lot of time reading and writing smut, and I know he spends some of his time doing similar things – not as much as I do, but then he has a job. He reads the comments on here, and visits some of the other blogs, so he’s sees exactly who I’m talking to, what they say and what I say, but we talk about it a lot anyway. We once spent an evening in a pub discussing how hot the girl behind the bar was. She had one the most amazing arses I’ve ever seen. We talk about whether we’ve seen anyone hot, which celebrities we’d fuck, porn, and because, as I’m sure most of you know by now, my main fantasy involves being used by lots of people, and he knows this, he uses it. Talking about it, planning it all out, exactly what’s going to happen, how much he’s going to like watching, what he’s going to do to me after. But if it ever happened, he’d know, so even if I got fucked by a dozen guys, it wouldn’t be cheating. How we’d feel about it after is another matter, maybe neither of us would be happy about it.* But if either of us went off and fucked someone else, without telling the other? That’s cheating. Sexting would be the same I think, and I’m having trouble trying to find a way to explain why I think it’s cheating. Probably because it’s hidden, and it’s more intimate and real than watching porn or reading a dirty story. A stolen kiss at a party? Less of a problem, but I’d still want to know.

I’d like to think we’re both mature enough to be able to discuss this sort of thing if it ever happened and not let it ruin what we have.

*Sir rang me while I was halfway through writing this. In the course of our conversation I told him I what I was writing and again he brought up the subject of my being gang banged. I told him how we could feel different about it if it happened. He might hate me forever. He told me about a friend whose wife left him after he’d had sex with another woman, even though she’d arranged it. But on the plus side Sir also thinks we’re grown up enough to be able to discuss it if it ever did happen and if it did cause problems between us.

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5 thoughts on “On Cheating

  1. I think it’s so difficult to have hard and fast rules . . . and strict do’s and don’ts . . . in a loving relationship. Because human nature being what it is, temptation can be such a strong emotion. Speaking as one who “strayed”, I found the guilt of having an affair was unbearable. But when I confessed to Hubby he said he’d known since the start . . . and from that moment we’ve shared every temptation and desire ever since. (30 years ago!!!) And that’s given us the most wonderful, and fun, times imaginable. So my advice? “Cheat in your head by all means, BUT talk about those thoughts with your partner straight afterwards!” . . . You never know just where it might lead!!!
    Xxx – K

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your thoughts on the subject, maybe you should write a post too? 😀
      When it comes to relationships we grow up with our culture and society’s rules. And yet as we grow and have different relationships our thoughts and opinions change. Some people are so insecure in themselves and have no trust in their partners at all, but I suppose if you have experience of cheating, it can make trusting someone difficult. I actually felt no guilt when I strayed, but that was because I had no feelings for my ex at all.
      I so agree with you about talking, it’s so important, Sir and I talk about our fantasies and attractions a lot. Something I’ve never done before. It really does make a difference, and it has led to some interesting experiences 😉

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  2. It sounds to me as if you and your Sir have got things pretty well sorted. It is a tricky one though as, no matter how philosophical you can be in theory, you can never really tell how you will feel after the event, until after the event.
    KW

    Liked by 1 person

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