I’m FINE*

Word for Wednesday #15

Dichotomy: A dichotomy is an idea or classification split in two. When you point out a dichotomy, you draw a clear distinction between two things.

From Gk. dichotomia “a cutting in half,” from dicha “in two” +temnein “to cut”. Synonyms include: disunion, split, separation, duality.

My life seems to be full of this at the moment. Wanting to write this, but not wanting to. Knowing what I want to say but not being able to say it.

I really feel as if I’m two different people at the moment. There’s the outside me and the inside me. I know all of us have that anyway, but lately these two people have been pulling in completely different directions. The outside me is still relatively sociable – I go outside, talk to people, smile, all the usual thing we do to appear normal – but all the while the inside me is begging to be allowed to just go home, close the door, not talk to anyone, just be left alone.

I know if I stay inside away from other people I’m less likely to get annoyed/angry/upset by something or someone. The last year or so my mental and emotional state has been so finely balanced that some days I feel as if I’m walking a very fine line, one word from someone and I’ll break. My mood can change so much in a day it’s getting ridiculous. I used to be fairly sure that a good/bad mood could last for a while – days or weeks – but now it changes from hour to hour, like flicking a switch. There used to be things that would cause the changes – now there’s often no reason. And I’m not even feeling that bad, most days I feel pretty good. There’s just a, I don’t know, an emptiness? That’s not even the right word. I don’t know what is the right way to describe it.

I’m just so tired of this, tired of fighting myself, tired of being anti-social, of not wanting to be with people. I like most people, I like talking, but I just find it easier to give in to the me inside. It’s less exhausting. So after so many years of fighting with myself I finally gave in and talked to my GP about it. And when he asked why I’d decided to talk to him now I just told him I’m tired of doing this by myself, I just want things to even out.

But that presented me with a new dichotomy – pills – I avoid medication as much as possible, a couple of paracetamol for a headache is about it. And hearing other’s experiences with their medication doesn’t fill me with a great desire to take them (I had an aunt who was on valium for forty years). But I can’t do this any more. So, as much as the idea scares me I’m taking the tablets.

*FINE – Fucked-up, insecure, nervous/neurotic and emotional – there are many different words people could use for this. When someone asks how I am, I rarely use ‘Fine’. I prefer either ‘Good’ or ‘OK’. If I use ‘Fine’, then it’s a very bad day 🙂

More Words for Wednesday here

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4 thoughts on “I’m FINE*

  1. I am reading this just after I posted a truly shitty “poem” trying to express how down I feel today. I live with depression too and it took me many years of misery before I reached out to my GP and started taking pills. They really do make a difference… Or at least they used to for me. After a few weeks on them I felt so much better.
    I hope you find a way through this honey. I congratulate you on finding the strength to get help.
    Love
    Kat x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think your sentence of ‘often there is no reason’ is what you need to think about. a reason could be chemical, hormonal, something that you do not see or know about, something that you genuinely cannot help. the brain switches things on and off all the time, especially if there are imbalances. so – take the fucking pills! the good thing is you are thinking this through and haven’t gone blindly into it, but – if they can help and it sounds like you are really down – take the help. it doesn’t have to be permanent.
    there!
    love Doctor Violet. (who often does not know what she is talking about so take all this with a pinch of salt)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the advice Doc 🙂
      The reasons before used to be my ex being a prick, which I don’t have to deal with now. Or one of the kids doing something daft, which they’ve pretty much grown out of.
      A lot of it is to do with my hormones, always has been. Now I’m pre-menopause which is why they’re all over the place.
      I’ve been thinking about it for years but it’s got to the stage where I really am too tired to cope by myself any more so I am taking the tablets 🙂

      Like

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