Word for Wednesday #15
Dichotomy: A dichotomy is an idea or classification split in two. When you point out a dichotomy, you draw a clear distinction between two things.
From Gk. dichotomia “a cutting in half,” from dicha “in two” +temnein “to cut”. Synonyms include: disunion, split, separation, duality.
My life seems to be full of this at the moment. Wanting to write this, but not wanting to. Knowing what I want to say but not being able to say it.
I really feel as if I’m two different people at the moment. There’s the outside me and the inside me. I know all of us have that anyway, but lately these two people have been pulling in completely different directions. The outside me is still relatively sociable – I go outside, talk to people, smile, all the usual thing we do to appear normal – but all the while the inside me is begging to be allowed to just go home, close the door, not talk to anyone, just be left alone.
I know if I stay inside away from other people I’m less likely to get annoyed/angry/upset by something or someone. The last year or so my mental and emotional state has been so finely balanced that some days I feel as if I’m walking a very fine line, one word from someone and I’ll break. My mood can change so much in a day it’s getting ridiculous. I used to be fairly sure that a good/bad mood could last for a while – days or weeks – but now it changes from hour to hour, like flicking a switch. There used to be things that would cause the changes – now there’s often no reason. And I’m not even feeling that bad, most days I feel pretty good. There’s just a, I don’t know, an emptiness? That’s not even the right word. I don’t know what is the right way to describe it.
I’m just so tired of this, tired of fighting myself, tired of being anti-social, of not wanting to be with people. I like most people, I like talking, but I just find it easier to give in to the me inside. It’s less exhausting. So after so many years of fighting with myself I finally gave in and talked to my GP about it. And when he asked why I’d decided to talk to him now I just told him I’m tired of doing this by myself, I just want things to even out.
But that presented me with a new dichotomy – pills – I avoid medication as much as possible, a couple of paracetamol for a headache is about it. And hearing other’s experiences with their medication doesn’t fill me with a great desire to take them (I had an aunt who was on valium for forty years). But I can’t do this any more. So, as much as the idea scares me I’m taking the tablets.
*FINE – Fucked-up, insecure, nervous/neurotic and emotional – there are many different words people could use for this. When someone asks how I am, I rarely use ‘Fine’. I prefer either ‘Good’ or ‘OK’. If I use ‘Fine’, then it’s a very bad day 🙂
More Words for Wednesday here