Stages

Wicked Wednesday #25

Prompt #200 – The Best.

This post was inspired in part by this post by @CharlieInThe.

I was going to post this for Sinful Sunday but it got a bit wordy so I decided to keep it for a different day. Also I found out WP are back to deleting blogs with adult content just when I had decided to stay with this blog. Starting this blog has been one of the best decisions I ever made.

This post was written prior to that.

This last week has been strange, having to adjust to a new phase, a new stage on my journey. I was thinking about starting a new blog, a fresh start, no memories. But to be honest I don’t have any bad memories, and, like everything else that’s happened in my life, it’s a part of me. There is no Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What happened, stays happened. I’ve had the usual ‘What’s wrong with me?’ conversation in my head, but this time it was different. I realised there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me. Which is a massive step for me (I would say there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with any of us, but there are some people who, for whatever reason, do have something wrong with them, I’ve known a couple). We are who we are. Genetics, life experience, family, friends etc. etc. all go towards making us who we are. And I have to say that the last year has gone a long way to improving my relationship and attitude towards myself and my life. How could I want to forget that?

I’ve become much more accepting of me, I’ve gotten help for my depression and anxiety, I’m more forthcoming about my illness with my friends and family which in turn has helped them be more understanding of my little quirks. I’m no longer so worried about sharing some of the crap in my head.

When it comes to my feelings about my body it gets a little more complicated. I’ve never really been body positive, I’ve never really liked my body – ever. Too short, too chubby, too saggy, stretch marks and all the rest of it. I suppose I’m lucky in that I’ve never really had to worry about what I eat and I’ve never done any serious exercise. Most of which is down to having spent all my life raising kids on a limited income – I never had the energy to exercise and was more concerned with trying to be able to feed everybody reasonably healthy meals as cheaply as possible. There have been times in my life when I lived on toast and tea so they could eat. When you live like that for a long time worrying about how you look just isn’t a priority. I did have a real breakthrough though about ten years ago, I’d ended my relationship and I learned to love my boobs, I loved my cleavage, I’d always wear something that showed it off. I was the happiest I’d been about my body. And when I started going out I found out that people found me attractive, sexy, beautiful. I had a really great couple of years. Then it all went wrong. I had a miscarriage that almost killed me (I didn’t even realise I was pregnant), the depression really kicked in, a few months after that I fell pregnant again, just before I turned 40 (you think I’d know better). Stupid drunken decision whilst waiting for the right day to start my contraception. Things went rapidly downhill until the following Christmas when I finally took responsibility for me and stopped blaming everyone else.

The last eight years have been a struggle sometimes but I’m getting there. And a big part of that has been down to this blog, the community I’ve found, the support and positivity is incredible. I know I’ve said this before but I never would have thought I’d be happy taking nekkid photos of myself, never mind posting them online, but most of the time I love it. The hardest thing is usually coming up with new ideas. I’m kind of limited as to where I can take photos which restricts some of the ideas I have, sometimes the shots just don’t turn out as I want. Other times when I flick through ones I don’t like and then edit them I actually get some really good ones. And all of it usually helps me feel better about myself, so I’m sticking with this blog (I think it could get too confusing if I started a new one and I don’t want to have to make you all follow me again 😀 ) and I’m going to keep doing what I do.

Just me 3

More Wicked Wednesday here.

WickedWednesday

 

24 thoughts on “Stages

  1. Beautifully written. Now, (since 3 am on Monday), I know there is something, (a lot), wrong with me ~ but at least I have a path to freedom from suffering. It may take me the rest of my life, but at least there is a path to follow. I love your body, you should too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a wonderful piece of writing, it shows great self awareness and that is always a trait I admire in people. I am delighted you are sticking with this blog. For the record I think you are fairly no risk if being giving the chop by WP but they can insane sometimes so don’t take my word for it. At the very least keep an up to date back of your site and maybe plan for some self hosting in the future

    Mollyxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you very much 🙂
      I’m seriously thinking of self-hosting at some point in the near future, just so I don’t have the worry of finding it all gone one day. I know it’s not that expensive but I don’t have that much to spare 🙂

      Like

  3. Beautifully written, I found myself nodding along and agreeing. Finding this community has really changed me, I’m probably at my happiest and most confident than I’ve ever been in the past.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nodding away here at so much of what you have described and been through. I however did shut down a previous blog and started afresh, purely because I felt that I needed to change direction a bit. Self-host if you can then you have ultimate control.

    Velvet x

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s