Wicked Wednesday #25
Prompt #200 – The Best.
I was going to post this for Sinful Sunday but it got a bit wordy so I decided to keep it for a different day. Also I found out WP are back to deleting blogs with adult content just when I had decided to stay with this blog. Starting this blog has been one of the best decisions I ever made.
This post was written prior to that.
This last week has been strange, having to adjust to a new phase, a new stage on my journey. I was thinking about starting a new blog, a fresh start, no memories. But to be honest I don’t have any bad memories, and, like everything else that’s happened in my life, it’s a part of me. There is no Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What happened, stays happened. I’ve had the usual ‘What’s wrong with me?’ conversation in my head, but this time it was different. I realised there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me. Which is a massive step for me (I would say there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with any of us, but there are some people who, for whatever reason, do have something wrong with them, I’ve known a couple). We are who we are. Genetics, life experience, family, friends etc. etc. all go towards making us who we are. And I have to say that the last year has gone a long way to improving my relationship and attitude towards myself and my life. How could I want to forget that?
I’ve become much more accepting of me, I’ve gotten help for my depression and anxiety, I’m more forthcoming about my illness with my friends and family which in turn has helped them be more understanding of my little quirks. I’m no longer so worried about sharing some of the crap in my head.
When it comes to my feelings about my body it gets a little more complicated. I’ve never really been body positive, I’ve never really liked my body – ever. Too short, too chubby, too saggy, stretch marks and all the rest of it. I suppose I’m lucky in that I’ve never really had to worry about what I eat and I’ve never done any serious exercise. Most of which is down to having spent all my life raising kids on a limited income – I never had the energy to exercise and was more concerned with trying to be able to feed everybody reasonably healthy meals as cheaply as possible. There have been times in my life when I lived on toast and tea so they could eat. When you live like that for a long time worrying about how you look just isn’t a priority. I did have a real breakthrough though about ten years ago, I’d ended my relationship and I learned to love my boobs, I loved my cleavage, I’d always wear something that showed it off. I was the happiest I’d been about my body. And when I started going out I found out that people found me attractive, sexy, beautiful. I had a really great couple of years. Then it all went wrong. I had a miscarriage that almost killed me (I didn’t even realise I was pregnant), the depression really kicked in, a few months after that I fell pregnant again, just before I turned 40 (you think I’d know better). Stupid drunken decision whilst waiting for the right day to start my contraception. Things went rapidly downhill until the following Christmas when I finally took responsibility for me and stopped blaming everyone else.
The last eight years have been a struggle sometimes but I’m getting there. And a big part of that has been down to this blog, the community I’ve found, the support and positivity is incredible. I know I’ve said this before but I never would have thought I’d be happy taking nekkid photos of myself, never mind posting them online, but most of the time I love it. The hardest thing is usually coming up with new ideas. I’m kind of limited as to where I can take photos which restricts some of the ideas I have, sometimes the shots just don’t turn out as I want. Other times when I flick through ones I don’t like and then edit them I actually get some really good ones. And all of it usually helps me feel better about myself, so I’m sticking with this blog (I think it could get too confusing if I started a new one and I don’t want to have to make you all follow me again 😀 ) and I’m going to keep doing what I do.
More Wicked Wednesday here.