Depression Lies

Word For Wednesday #28

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Today’s word is ANGRY! – feeling or showing strong annoyance, displeasure, or hostility; full of anger.

It was going to be depression but writing this has changed my mind. And as it’s a bit long and ranty I’m going to count this as another Saturday Rant too.

Depression: An illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts and that affects the way a person eats, sleeps, feels about himself or herself, and thinks about things. Depression is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away. People with depression cannot merely ‘pull themselves together’ and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people with depression. The signs and symptoms of depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, including sex; loss of appetite, with weight loss, or overeating, with weight gain; loss of emotional expression (flat affect); a persistently sad, anxious, or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusual fatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance and insomnia, early-morning awakening or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment, and thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. The principal types of depression are called major depression, dysthymia, and bipolar disease (manic-depressive disease).

I’ve been a bit up and down lately, similar to before starting the medication. I went to see my GP today and we talked about it and decided to try a different medication rather than upping the dose on the current one. He doesn’t think this one is right as it was only evening out the moods and not doing much else. So, we try again.

I know it’s become common for people to call depression the big black dog, but I don’t find this an accurate description. I wanted to try and explain what depression is like for me.

The Darkness rises and falls,

like the tides,

deeper and deeper.

Pulling me in, like a lover.

Closing over me,

feeding me lies,

slowly destroying me.

Depression lies,

whispering softly,

can’t you hear it?

Then I’ll show you.

Mirror

This is what I see right now.

I know none of this is true, but it still doesn’t stop that damn voice. The last few days have been OK, I’ve been feeling a bit better about some things but I’ve also had a few shit days too. Today I wasn’t too bad but now again I feel crap. But this time I’m not so much depressed as angry, I’m angry that this stupid, damn illness has this power over me. I’m angry that there are a lot of other people out there who feel like me, I’m angry that there isn’t a simple solution and I’m really angry at those who still can’t understand that we don’t choose this, that we can’t just pull ourselves together. Some days it’s as much as I can do to get out of bed. I’m so pissed off with feeling like this. I went shopping yesterday and actually spent money on me, not the kids. Since yesterday evening I’ve had the bastard voice in my head going on about how I shouldn’t have bought things. I took some photos and they’re horrible, all I can see is some stupid, old, ugly, fat woman, trying to be something she’s not.

And before you start commenting on this I know these things aren’t true.

I’m not stupid.

I’m not old, 48 is not old.

Ugly, well, I don’t like looking at my face so we’ll leave that one.

Fat? I’d say cuddly, something to hold onto.

But it doesn’t change how I feel, or what I see right now. And what makes times like this even harder is seeing all the photographs of skinny, perfect, airbrushed, young women.

Kat’s Word for Wednesday today talked about the difference between knowing the solution is simple and yet it not being easy to do what’s needed. My simple solution? Stay off Twitter, stop taking photos when I feel like this, but you know what? That isn’t easy. To be honest, and this is something I’ve said before, this blog, the photos, my readers, people on Twitter, all of it, it’s where I’m happiest, it’s where people understand me, it’s where I can talk about stupid shit like this and know others understand. And I know sometimes she feels that we think she’s going on about it, but I think if we don’t talk and write about it then that only adds to our feelings of isolation, it compounds the stigma surrounding mental health. We are all entitled to feel how we feel, even if we can’t explain why, and not talking about it is worse. At least us bloggers have a platform, they are our blogs to discuss what we want to discuss. And sometimes we need to speak up for those who can’t.

Another thing that’s pissing me off is that I’m finding it really hard to comment on other people’s blogs at the moment too. I still go and read posts, look at photos etc. but there are some things right now I find hurt too much. And I hate it, so many people leave me lovely comments and whereas normally I like to reply properly I can’t. I like talking to my readers and other bloggers so I apologise for being so quiet in certain areas lately. Here’s hoping things get back to normal very soon.

I’m also thinking maybe I should stay angry, at least it’s a feeling of some sort?

27 thoughts on “Depression Lies

  1. You know I relate with everything you wrote here.
    That is one hell of a powerful,image you created and I see the very same myself when I look in a mirror. Knowing it’s not true really doesn’t make any difference though right? We still feel it.

    I am always around to talk to, if you feel you can’t face Twitter come talk on Skype or, how about I DM my email to you?
    It’s important not to become isolated. (I’ve just been told off coz I’ve not let the house alone in weeks. He’s told me I HAVE to go,out tomorrow.)

    Maybe, once you are feeling better, you can take a photo and write positive things on the mirror? I know you probably can’t bear this but I’m going to give you a head start…
    Smart
    Talented
    Funny
    Kind
    Caring
    Intelligent
    Brave
    Sassy
    Resilient
    and…
    Sexy!
    So there!
    Hugs darlin xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks 🙂
      I had first thought about writing on myself, taking the photo and then crossing out the words and writing some more positive ones and taking another photo. This was just easier 😀
      I got up this morning feeling OK and yesterday was great. I went to Killarney, went shopping. I go out pretty much every day.
      But (and I explained to the doc) I just have this dragged down feeling no matter what I try which is why he’s changed the tablets. Here’s hoping 🙂
      I’d be lost without Twitter I think, I’ll DM you if I ever need to, thanks 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Black, helpless, misery, hopelessness, lassitude, unthinking dullness… I’ve been to this place you call depression. From time to time it still sneaks in from the darkness and takes me to the grimmest part of the slough of despond. I have found a way to turn my life around, so as I am at least mostly heading into a sunlit meadow. My steps falter but I try not to give in. The words of others don’t help much, because unless they have been there, they cannot possibly understand. Valuing myself, loving myself, appreciating myself, well that was a start. So was recognising that life is indeed difficult and painful. You are a cool, sexy, intelligent woman, and I care for you.

    Like

    1. Thanks 🙂
      I’ve had depression for most of my life, a twenty year abusive relationship didn’t help. It got worse after each of the kids came along. But once I’d accepted responsibility for my own life instead of blaming other people I started on the road to fixing myself. I was doing pretty well until a couple of years ago when I became pre-menopausal. My GP still doesn’t agree that my hormones are partly to blame 🙂
      And up until last December I’d never had to take medication but I couldn’t deal with the hour to hour mood changes, day to day is OK 😀
      I think after 30 odd years I was just tired, I needed something to help.
      I also have this theory that now I’ve become much more open about it, and the fact that my kids are older and don’t rely on me quite so much, my brain has finally decided that now would be a good time to get this sorted out once and for all!
      I keep going, I survive, it’s what I’ve always done and I’m damned sure I’m not going to give in to it now.

      Like

  3. I relate to what you are saying so much here, I read the list of symptoms and in my head went yup, yup, yup, that one too etc.

    I find it hard at times, that voice that wants to shit all over the life you have and tear you down. That voice isn’t you, but it speaks with your voice. It’s hard to find joy in what made you happy, to value yourself. I know this, but as you said, knowing what the problem is, doesn’t help you when you are in it.

    But the one thing I have learned these last three years is, keep going. Put one foot in front of another and keep going, get treatment, get help and keep going. It’s like swimming, you keep going or you’ll drown. Remember that you are not alone and that many others know these feelings.

    Stay strong, your beauty is not simply with your body, but with your soul, thankyou for sharing yourself with us

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks you.
      I do keep going because I know it’s not always bad. I was trying to explain it to my GP yesterday. I know it’s the depression that makes me feel like this, I do go out, I interact with people, I still laugh but there’s a constant feeling which I can only describe as ‘draggy’ that keeps trying to pull me back. But I’m still fighting 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I just took an Ativan with a whiskey back and I am breathing deeply to calm down and push this anxiety away so I won’t dwell and I can make dinner but I consider myself lucky cause the meds work. Whiskey works. Breathing deeply works. And splitting firewood works (funny enough). I never find anything that works when I am depressed. Please take care of yourself as you can. Depression sucks so hard. I like your anger, well not like, but I am glad you can identify a feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I’m hoping my new meds work, starting them today, can’t mix them with alcohol. Which is good in a way as drinking by myself makes me worse 🙂
      The hardest thing at the moment is trying to deal with not knowing how I’m going to feel from one moment to the next, there’s nothing that triggers it, it just happens.
      I just keep going as best I can.
      Take care of yourself too.
      x

      Like

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