Word For Wednesday #28
Today’s word is ANGRY! – feeling or showing strong annoyance, displeasure, or hostility; full of anger.
It was going to be depression but writing this has changed my mind. And as it’s a bit long and ranty I’m going to count this as another Saturday Rant too.
Depression: An illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts and that affects the way a person eats, sleeps, feels about himself or herself, and thinks about things. Depression is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away. People with depression cannot merely ‘pull themselves together’ and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people with depression. The signs and symptoms of depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, including sex; loss of appetite, with weight loss, or overeating, with weight gain; loss of emotional expression (flat affect); a persistently sad, anxious, or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusual fatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance and insomnia, early-morning awakening or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment, and thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. The principal types of depression are called major depression, dysthymia, and bipolar disease (manic-depressive disease).
I’ve been a bit up and down lately, similar to before starting the medication. I went to see my GP today and we talked about it and decided to try a different medication rather than upping the dose on the current one. He doesn’t think this one is right as it was only evening out the moods and not doing much else. So, we try again.
I know it’s become common for people to call depression the big black dog, but I don’t find this an accurate description. I wanted to try and explain what depression is like for me.
The Darkness rises and falls,
like the tides,
deeper and deeper.
Pulling me in, like a lover.
Closing over me,
feeding me lies,
slowly destroying me.
can’t you hear it?
Then I’ll show you.
This is what I see right now.
I know none of this is true, but it still doesn’t stop that damn voice. The last few days have been OK, I’ve been feeling a bit better about some things but I’ve also had a few shit days too. Today I wasn’t too bad but now again I feel crap. But this time I’m not so much depressed as angry, I’m angry that this stupid, damn illness has this power over me. I’m angry that there are a lot of other people out there who feel like me, I’m angry that there isn’t a simple solution and I’m really angry at those who still can’t understand that we don’t choose this, that we can’t just pull ourselves together. Some days it’s as much as I can do to get out of bed. I’m so pissed off with feeling like this. I went shopping yesterday and actually spent money on me, not the kids. Since yesterday evening I’ve had the bastard voice in my head going on about how I shouldn’t have bought things. I took some photos and they’re horrible, all I can see is some stupid, old, ugly, fat woman, trying to be something she’s not.
And before you start commenting on this I know these things aren’t true.
I’m not stupid.
I’m not old, 48 is not old.
Ugly, well, I don’t like looking at my face so we’ll leave that one.
Fat? I’d say cuddly, something to hold onto.
But it doesn’t change how I feel, or what I see right now. And what makes times like this even harder is seeing all the photographs of skinny, perfect, airbrushed, young women.
Kat’s Word for Wednesday today talked about the difference between knowing the solution is simple and yet it not being easy to do what’s needed. My simple solution? Stay off Twitter, stop taking photos when I feel like this, but you know what? That isn’t easy. To be honest, and this is something I’ve said before, this blog, the photos, my readers, people on Twitter, all of it, it’s where I’m happiest, it’s where people understand me, it’s where I can talk about stupid shit like this and know others understand. And I know sometimes she feels that we think she’s going on about it, but I think if we don’t talk and write about it then that only adds to our feelings of isolation, it compounds the stigma surrounding mental health. We are all entitled to feel how we feel, even if we can’t explain why, and not talking about it is worse. At least us bloggers have a platform, they are our blogs to discuss what we want to discuss. And sometimes we need to speak up for those who can’t.
Another thing that’s pissing me off is that I’m finding it really hard to comment on other people’s blogs at the moment too. I still go and read posts, look at photos etc. but there are some things right now I find hurt too much. And I hate it, so many people leave me lovely comments and whereas normally I like to reply properly I can’t. I like talking to my readers and other bloggers so I apologise for being so quiet in certain areas lately. Here’s hoping things get back to normal very soon.
I’m also thinking maybe I should stay angry, at least it’s a feeling of some sort?