Finding My Way Back

An update after last Wednesday’s post

Tools 3

Before I start this post I want to make it clear that I’m talking about my experience of depression, we’re all different, and have had different experiences. This post is about some of what I have found triggers me, how it affects me and what works for me to get out of the slump.

Last week was not a good week, Monday I wanted to go to see my GP, a sick child meant I couldn’t. On Tuesday I wanted to go to the social to see if I could hand up another cert or not. That was all, nothing major and I felt OK about it. Then I had the chance to go shopping instead and get out for a bit, I could go to see the fella on Thursday. Tuesday evening I felt like shit because I had dared to spend money on myself, the little voice bitching in my head again. I took some photos and I felt I looked like shit. Wednesday I went to the GP, that was good, he changed my meds and said let him know if I needed another cert or anything else. After that I had my ranty Word for Wednesday post which made me feel a lot better.

Last Thursday was an absolute bitch of a day. I woke up feeling OK, it wasn’t until I was sitting in the social waiting that I started to feel a bit anxious. I only had to wait about five minutes and I was done in 30 seconds, another cert, another month, it’s all good. On my way back home I felt sick, I was shaking and just generally feeling awful. I calmed down after a while but it made me realise how stressed I must have been about the whole thing and not even realised it. Some of the things I was seeing and reading on Twitter and some blogs weren’t helping my mood either, I think a lot of it was just wanting what other people had, feeling bad because I don’t have that right now. I couldn’t read or write filth, even thinking about it made me feel ill. And taking the photos had just become a case of if it was OK I’ll post it. I wasn’t really thinking about them or trying anything different. I could have taken a couple of days off but at the same time I found things that made me smile, cheered me up. And if I hadn’t been online I would have just sat doing nothing. I had one of those ‘Sort yourself out’ moments that I have every now and again when I realise actually admit to myself that I have a problem and need to change things. This usually happens after I’ve become bogged down in my rut again, I stop doing things because it’s too much trouble and than it becomes easier to put off the next time. And before I know it I’m under twenty tons of crap and I can’t find a way out. I have a routine, but it’s not a good routine. I need to get back to a good one. Structure is something I need, it helps me deal with how I’m feeling and it helps me feel better. A part of it has been not going to college. Since I dropped out after Christmas I don’t have to worry about things like how I look in the mornings, I take the youngest to school, a quick trip to the shop and then it’s home again until it’s time to pick him up. Even if I do feel like going for a walk to take photos I don’t often see anyone anyway, so who cares if I haven’t brushed my hair or I’ve been wearing the same clothes for a couple of days? Gross I know, but that’s what happens when you stop giving a shit about things. I’ve known for a while that I couldn’t keep on like this but I literally have to give myself a good talking to and face facts before I do anything about it. It’s become a cycle for me, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. I lose interest in things I usually to do, I do less and less of anything, I go out as little as possible, I avoid talking to people and I feel like there’s no point to doing anything at all. Not that I would ever do anything to myself, but sometimes the thought does cross my mind.

So I spent Thursday evening feeling totally crap, there were a few tears, some wallowing, feeling sorry for myself etc. etc. and a lot of thinking. I knew I needed to take my life back from the depression and stop letting it run my life (again). I know the things that make me feel bad, just as I know the things that make me feel good.

The last couple of days have been better, tomorrow I have a list of things I want to start doing, simple things for now, just to get back to where I was.

  1. Eat properly.
  2. Drink more water.
  3. Go for a walk everyday – not including school run or shopping – unless it’s pissing rain.
  4. Wear something nice everyday – even if it is just a nice pair of knickers.
  5. Start writing my daily journal again. This helped me a lot before with keeping track of how things were going. And it also helps my other writing which has suffered a lot lately. One of the things I wanted to do over the last couple of months was get going on the re-write of my book. The bloody thing is there, it just needs some fattening up and I just keep putting it off.

And remember to take medication!

I also need to start getting up when the alarm goes off, I’ve gotten into the habit of snoozing it and not getting up until it’s time to get the kids up. Losing that time in the morning puts me back for the whole day.

There are a couple of bigger things I need to do like sort out my room, the kitchen and decorate the hallway but I know if I spend a little time each day on these they won’t take long. I just always think of the whole job that needs doing and then feel overwhelmed. So tomorrow I start taking little steps, hopefully if I have things to do I’ll spend less time sitting on my arse online, which means I’ll be drinking less tea and smoking less too, another good thing.

I found this in Penneys the other day. On the days when I feel OK I’m going to wear it, psychological warfare now – I’m taking charge of my life.


12 thoughts on “Finding My Way Back

  1. Knowing what the best thing to do is easy, doing it isn’t always. I struggle with the whole taking care of myself thing, the depression pulls at the worth and eases me into not valuing myself enough to do so. Didn’t shave for a week or so, got comments (positive like) but it was only at that point that I took the trimmer and reduced it to light stubble and then get a hair cut.

    I’m trying to attack this week, but round one isn’t easy. I know some of the feelings, but I’m not so self important that I can say “I know how you feel” but know that you are not alone. It’s different for everyone, but shitty for us all.
    Thankyou for sharing both the good and bad

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The doing is always the hardest 🙂
      I know there are going to be days when I won’t, but having things to do on the good days helps.
      I find it helps me to write about it, it clarifies things. If the internet had been around years ago it would have made a big difference to how I handled things. I’ve learnt so much and I think it helps to be able to read that others are going through shitty times and how they get through, even if it isn’t the same. Knowledge is a powerful thing 🙂
      Thanks for commenting and sharing too, I think we can all help each other to not feel alone which is so important.

      Liked by 1 person

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