Never Say Never

I think maybe I’m pretty much done with this blog. At least for a while. My life has changed a lot since I started and what with one thing and another my heart’s just not in it at the moment.

I have no desire to take any photos and my libido seems to have done a runner so I don’t want to write stories. The prompts for the various memes I take part in haven’t stirred any ideas and all my recent posts have been about my depression which I’m fed up of writing about.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and today I actually feel at peace with the decision. Actually today I feel at peace with myself, for the first time in a long time. I’m happy with myself, happy with what I’ve done here.

I won’t be closing the blog, I might even post occasionally, if the urge strikes me. And I’ll still be hovering around Twitter and visiting other blogs, so I won’t be completely gone. I’m hoping to be able to get some other writing done and if that goes to plan I have another site ready and waiting to go.

I’d just like to say a massive thank you to everyone who’s visited and commented. I have really, really appreciated your support.

And of course there’s still my other photo blog to visit.

Bye for now 😀

Out of my depth

This is another poem that always spoken to me,

Nobody heard him, the dead man,

But still he lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought

And not waving but drowning.

 

Poor chap, he always loved larking

And now he’s dead

It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,

They said.

 

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always

(Still the dead one lay moaning)

I was much too far out all my life

And not waving but drowning.

Stevie Smith

Wanting, but knowing that even if it were here, right in front of me, I wouldn’t be able to take it. When something is destroyed, even unintentionally, it is impossible to get it back.

It’s the one mistake I can stop making. I always end up out of my depth. Not waving, but drowning.

 

Sense of Self

Word for Wednesday #31

IMG_3026

This week’s word is Gender.

Gender – Gender Identity. One’s innermost concept of self as male or female or both or neither—how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different than the sex assigned at birth. Individuals are conscious of this between the ages 18 months and 3 years. Most people develop a gender identity that matches their biological sex. For some, however, their gender identity is different from their biological or assigned sex. Some of these individuals choose to socially, hormonally and/or surgically change their sex to more fully match their gender identity. ( Gender Spectrum website.)

I picked this because after my recent F4TF posts about how much I dislike my body, Kat asked if I might be gender neutral. I’ve never really questioned my gender, I was born female, I’ve lived as a female and that’s it. After I did a bit of reading I wondered, then I read a bit more and I think I am just female, bi-curious, but I think that’s probably as far as it goes. I identify as female, I may not like being female – I’ve always tended to dress in jeans and t-shirts rather than skirts and dresses and for a long while my hair was really short. I don’t wear make-up, I don’t care about beauty and fashion, shoes, hair or make-up trends, but none of this makes me less female.

What I did find that seemed to be closer to how I felt was BDD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which some people with gender identity issues have. (BDD isn’t the same as Gender Dysphoria, the two are often confused.)

Signs of Body Dysmorphic Disorder

  1. Obsessively checking your appearance in mirrorsor avoiding them completely
  2. Using heavy make-upto try to hide the area you’re concerned about
  3. Changing your postureor wearing heavy clothes to disguise your shape
  4. Seeking constant reassuranceabout your appearance
  5. Exercising excessively, often targeted at the area you’re concerned about
  6. Frequent body checkingwith your fingers
  7. Picking your skinto make it smooth
  8. Excessive use of tanning products
  9. Frequent weighing
  10. Brushingor stylingyour hair obsessively
  11. Constantly comparing yourselfwith models in magazines or people in the street
  12. Seeking cosmetic surgeryor having other types of medical treatment to change the area of concern

There are lots of places to find more detailed information about BDD. This list came from Mind.org

  1. I avoid mirrors and hate to see my face in photos, well actually I hate to see any of me in photos.
  2. I’ve always worn long, baggy tops, t-shirts, hoodies etc. just to hide bits I don’t like. I also have my arms folded across my boobs a lot too.
  3. I’m always checking my top covers my butt and I touch my face quite a lot, particularly the side of my nose, my forehead and chin.
  4. My nose, chin and forehead – I have dry skin and I’m constantly rubbing and picking at it.
  5. I tend to do more when I’m having a depressive episode – like a vicious circle – I don’t like how I look, I look at others and feel worse, look at them, blah, blah, blah.

I had heard of BDD but I had never thought about it in connection with my problems – I’m not constantly dieting, exercising or weighing myself. Nor am I a fan of tanning, plastering on make-up or styling my hair. And I definitely wouldn’t consider surgery. For some people BDD can cause real life-changing problems such as not being in social situations, anxiety, eating disorders etc. For me I just go through phases when I really hate my body and how I look, I can generally still get on with my life because I know, logically, that it’s crap. Still doesn’t stop me feeling like shit while I’m going through it, but like so many other issues I’ve had it’s something that’s always been there, I just never had a name for it. Like everything else, I cope with it, just about. Here’s hoping that like everything else, now I have a name for it I might find it easier to deal with.

More Word for Wednesday here.