A Rant For Saturday

I haven’t done this for a while. Today’s post contains references to sexual assault.

I don’t really know what the subject of today’s rant is. I just need to vent.

I’ve been reading a lot lately about unsolicited dick pics, male privilege, and the poor treatment of women in general. There were a couple of pro-choice rallies in Ireland today as our beloved Taoiseach still seems to think there’s no call for abolishing the Eighth amendment and basically the women of Ireland are a bit fed up with him and his cronies. I have to say I’m totally fed up with the whole boiling of them, but that’s not really what I wanted to say.

I understand people who are fed up, disgusted etc. with the way they’re treated by men sometimes, with the aforementioned dick pics, wolf-whistles, cat-calling etc but the one thing I’d like to say for me personally is that I’ve never, ever, not even once been the target of any of it, not an unsolicited picture, not one cat-call, not one whistle, not one instance of being sexually harassed. Nothing. And while there may be those of you out there thinking how lucky I am, and maybe I should consider myself lucky, but the thing is, I don’t. What this tells me is that I’m not even visible enough, I never have been visible enough to be thought worth the effort of any of it. It makes me feel like shit, totally unattractive and worthless. And all the nice comments and compliments here don’t really make a dent in how much I feel this (I really do appreciate them though)

I don’t want to upset those who have been through it, or worse. I was in an abusive relationship for over twenty years, I survived, I got out, and I refuse to let what he did to me ruin the rest of my life.

I would say that 95% of the people I know are in some sort of relationship. Me? I have never been able to sustain one (I don’t count the twenty+ years I wasted), whether it’s my fault or the other person’s. I’ve never been the one the boys wanted to date, most of the time they’d barely look at me, never mind talk to me, and it’s not gotten much better as I’ve gotten older. This has only reinforced the idea that I’m unattractive and worthless. Is it really any wonder I dislike myself so much?

I envy those who can have successful relationships. I hope you realise just how fucking lucky you are.

I don’t sound off like this often, these are things I would usually keep to myself but I really needed to say it.

I’m going to crawl back into my corner now.

mug

4 thoughts on “A Rant For Saturday

  1. Rant away.
    Recently a friend of mine told me she hates walking with me because men stare at me. Not because I’m gorgeous or sexy, but because she is short. She says they don’t see her. Oddly, I have never noticed these so called men staring at me. But I have always thought they enjoy talking to her. We see things differently, each and every one of us. I think men do look at you (because men do, they look at women, fluster) and do see you and do notice and appreciate you, and you are oblivious to it.
    It’s the same way we often think. We think one way and we think everyone is thinking the same way. But we’re all in our own worlds with our own thoughts and we’re all having different ones.
    There.
    I’m ranting too.
    Because you’re loveable.
    You just don’t know it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this! I have never experienced street harassment or cat calling or wolf whistles and, just like you, would kind of like it to happen just once! I feel completely invisible and have never caught anyone checking me out, although hubs says he sees other men do it. I think he’s just being kind!

    Obviously I understand how degrading and disturbing it must be for women who get it all the time, and I know my wish to get a wolf whistle just once is a flippant way to discuss something as horrible as harassment. But just for once I’d like to feel that someone noticed me, and thought ‘phoar!’ Unlikely bu they ho…

    ps – you are a beautiful woman and never doubt that!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s