I haven’t done this for a while. Today’s post contains references to sexual assault.
I don’t really know what the subject of today’s rant is. I just need to vent.
I’ve been reading a lot lately about unsolicited dick pics, male privilege, and the poor treatment of women in general. There were a couple of pro-choice rallies in Ireland today as our beloved Taoiseach still seems to think there’s no call for abolishing the Eighth amendment and basically the women of Ireland are a bit fed up with him and his cronies. I have to say I’m totally fed up with the whole boiling of them, but that’s not really what I wanted to say.
I understand people who are fed up, disgusted etc. with the way they’re treated by men sometimes, with the aforementioned dick pics, wolf-whistles, cat-calling etc but the one thing I’d like to say for me personally is that I’ve never, ever, not even once been the target of any of it, not an unsolicited picture, not one cat-call, not one whistle, not one instance of being sexually harassed. Nothing. And while there may be those of you out there thinking how lucky I am, and maybe I should consider myself lucky, but the thing is, I don’t. What this tells me is that I’m not even visible enough, I never have been visible enough to be thought worth the effort of any of it. It makes me feel like shit, totally unattractive and worthless. And all the nice comments and compliments here don’t really make a dent in how much I feel this (I really do appreciate them though)
I don’t want to upset those who have been through it, or worse. I was in an abusive relationship for over twenty years, I survived, I got out, and I refuse to let what he did to me ruin the rest of my life.
I would say that 95% of the people I know are in some sort of relationship. Me? I have never been able to sustain one (I don’t count the twenty+ years I wasted), whether it’s my fault or the other person’s. I’ve never been the one the boys wanted to date, most of the time they’d barely look at me, never mind talk to me, and it’s not gotten much better as I’ve gotten older. This has only reinforced the idea that I’m unattractive and worthless. Is it really any wonder I dislike myself so much?
I envy those who can have successful relationships. I hope you realise just how fucking lucky you are.
I don’t sound off like this often, these are things I would usually keep to myself but I really needed to say it.
I’m going to crawl back into my corner now.