I don’t like weekends much. For a while they were good, really good, but now they’re shit again.
My decision so I have to deal with it.
I’m still feeling pretty good so I’m hoping I’ve turned the corner. But in other ways I still sometimes feel not so good. Days like yesterday. Days when I feel good but I feel so needy, days when I just want someone.
I had started a new account on OKC, but because I was being so narrow on what I was looking for there were only a couple of dozen options. Most of whom were single/divorced middle aged Irish men looking for their soul-mate – not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not what I want. I had nothing in common with any of them. I deleted it again, and I don’t think I’ll be going back there. I have the same problem with where I live. I have nothing in common with most of the people who live here. I don’t go to church, I’m not involved with the GAA, I don’t want to go to any of the social events that are on either. I don’t go out on weekends any more because I don’t drink and believe me, you need to be pissed to go out here. And I wouldn’t go out with any of the eligible men around here. I don’t really have a type as such but they definitely aren’t mine. I suppose I could go out, have a couple of drinks and find someone to fuck, that would sort me out for a bit. But that’s not what I want either.
So what do I want? Someone around my age, someone I can talk to, sex isn’t that important (believe or not), I mean I wouldn’t say no, but the main thing I need is some real-life, physical (male) contact. On the bad days I feel like I’m drifting, I need someone to ground me, to centre me, to hold onto me and tell me things will be OK. And to be perfectly honest I don’t think I’m going to find someone like that here.
So for now, my weekends will mostly be crap, but I know it’s not forever. I just have to get through them for a while longer.