The guilt and anger at myself builds over the space of a few days, after a week of feeling good, slowly the bad thoughts and feelings creep back in.
I’ve only myself to blame, I let you in, I was the one who couldn’t refuse you when you found a gap in the wall.
And slowly, stone by stone, I let you further inside, into my mind, into my heart.
Now I don’t know if there’s enough left to rebuild the wall.
Friends say ‘You’ll meet someone else’, and I look around me and ask them ‘Where?’ They have no answer.
I really wasn’t going to write about you again, I thought maybe this time…but no, here you come again creeping into my thoughts.
I just wonder how long?
How long until thoughts of you are a rare, fleeting occurrence?
How long until I can forgive myself for being so stupid again?
How long until the need goes away?
How long until the wall is fully rebuilt?