The Notebook (or New Year’s Revolution)

Including Boobday #53

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Seems that most bloggers are doing a year in review post at this time. I decided not to. This year has been shite. If you’re really interested you can read back. I decided to write a looking forward post instead. There’s no guarantee that 2017 is going to be any better, but I can be better. At least my attitude can be. 2016 was crap for so many reasons, both personally and for the rest of the world, not least so many of my teenage icons passing.

Before Christmas I’d had a couple of OK weeks, I’d had a couple of days when I felt happy, actually felt it, and then along came Friday. It’s like a switch, and I feel like shit again. And I’m tired of it. How many more times am I going to have this happen? Or more accurately, how many more times am I going to let it happen? I spend a couple of days alternating between ‘Woe is me’ and ‘Fucking bastard’ and I’m tired of it. Long story short, I’d decided (again) I needed to change, something, anything, to stop the cycle.

And then Carrie Fisher died. I wasn’t even that much of a fan, I knew who she was, and I vaguely remember her in The Blues Brothers, but the whole Star Wars thing just passed me by. I’ve seen bits and pieces of the films but I don’t have much interest in any of it – Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who, etc. I started reading bits and pieces about her, and let’s just say it gave me an extra kick in the pants.

I wasn’t looking forward to Christmas Day. I’ve barely been to my mum’s. It’s just not the same without my dad there, plus my sister is over from England, she can be a snipey bitch at times. But it was OK, so was Boxing Day.

The problems started on the 28th. I got the gift he’d sent me for Solstice. Bastard. I know he meant well. Bastard. It’s a beautiful embossed leather notebook. Bastard. Even after convincing myself I wasn’t going to let myself get upset about things again there I was sitting thinking ‘Fucker, what the fuck?’ etc. etc. I spent the day angry, upset, confused, teary and I had to go back to my mum’s that evening for more family shit. In the end I’m glad I went, it was good fun. At the end of the evening we were going to put the furniture straight and my sister started, she wanted to wait for my eldest to come back. ‘He knows how they go.’ Two couches, we all know where they go FFS. Then she started about my swearing, despite the fact we’d all been swearing all evening. I kept my mouth shut and went home. I really am done with her. I think 49 years is enough time spent biting my tongue to keep the peace. Good job the notebook didn’t arrive before Christmas I suppose.

So, what to do with the notebook? I thought about returning it, I thought about burning it, I thought about using it, thinking and feeling shit every time I did. In the end I put it away so I couldn’t see it.

I spent yesterday at home, trying to figure out my PLAN for 2017. Small things, simple steps to work out and change the things I don’t like about my life – I can’t spend another year like this. I feel more positive about things than I have for months, I don’t have to spend time feeling shit over him, I won’t spend time feeling shit over him. I need to take control, stand up for myself, get my fire back and start living again.

The first step was my sister, the second step was having to set up a profile on OKC. Because I had deleted all contact details for him it was the only place I could think of looking, I sent him a message asking him to stop. I’m going to leave the profile up till Monday, might get a message from someone worthwhile (doubt it). And the third step was writing this post. It’s a bit all over the place I know but I had to write something. I want to get back to it, writing and taking photos – my photography blog has died. And while writing I found the fourth step – deciding what to do with the notebook. I am going to keep it, and each time I have a thought about him, good, bad, whatever, I’m going to write it down. When I’m ready, or it’s full I’ll either burn it or send it to him. And guess what? It’s Friday and I’m happy!

And of course I had to post for the last Boobday of the year  😀

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More Boobday here.

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Christmas Wishes

I know there’s still a week to go but if I think about writing too much I end up not writing anything. The words just don’t make sense any more.

You all know I don’t believe in dreams come true, romance or happy ever after, but if I could have one thing this year it would be someone to lean on, just now and again.

Hope you all have a good Christmas etc. I’m sure I’ll be back at some point (and I’m always on Twitter).

x

Chains

I am nothing,

nobody,

empty,

worthless piece of flesh,

discarded, I feel,

nothing,

numb,

dead,

no longer living,

existing, in nothingness,

held captive,

with chains of my own making.