Sexual Frustration

This is a rant so if you don’t want to read it that’s fine. I just need to vent. I started writing this last night when I was mightily pissed off. I was feeling sad, lonely, horny and I’d had a glass of wine which is never a good idea when I feel like that. Today I feel a lot happier but I decided to finish writing this anyway.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post about the Menopause that I have problems having an orgasm. It sucks. I’ve learned to accept the fact that right now (at least hopefully it’s only for now) I can’t have them. Most of the time I’m OK with it, not really but I deal with it, I don’t let it bug me. But the last couple of days it is bugging me.

I. Want. To .Come! Now, right this fucking second, I want a fucking orgasm!

Just one, that’s all I want, not much to ask. Even without all the reading and writing of smut lately, even without the pictures, even without the dirty Scrabble games, texting and phone calls, I’m horny. All the time. And what makes it even more frustrating is that I can’t scream and shout about it. I want to stand in the middle of the street and yell.

I WANT TO COME! I NEED TO COME! I NEED A FUCKING ORGASM!

But I can’t. So I thought I’d have a moan here instead. I used to be able to make myself come easily, a 30 second quickie or a long drawn out session, however I wanted it. But never with a man, except one. That was a bit of a pain too, but at least I could get myself off. But not any more. I hate menopause, I hate having to use contraception, I hate getting older. Sometimes I think it would be better if I didn’t want sex at all, but I do want sex, I enjoy sex, I fucking love having sex, but I still can’t come. I have tried everything, we have tried everything. One I’d love to be able to try is orgasm control and orgasm denial but I need to be able to have a fucking orgasm first!

I think this frustration is mostly to do with the fact that I haven’t seen Sir since last Sunday and it will be another two weeks until I see him again. Usually by Sunday afternoon I’d be in a drained, aching, sated little heap. But this weekend I’m not even going to get that, or next weekend, which is shit. But it can’t be helped, I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it. And I will. Doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

Sometimes I even wonder if it would be better to go back to the way I was last year, to not have thought about finding someone. I wasn’t constantly horny then, I just needed some adult, male company, just sometimes. But then I would never had met Sir, never have started this journey, never have found out so many new things about myself and I wouldn’t have been researching advice on using nipple clamps which led via some fascinating blogs to this, a place where I can write about things like this. A place where finally feel like I’m starting to get to know me.

The Menopause Diaries

The Menopause and Me

A few days ago I wrote a post about not being able to sleep and afterwards I came across a post by Marie Rebel about not sleeping because of the menopause which she wrote as part of The Menopause Diaries. This was one thing I hadn’t thought about. Reading through the list of symptoms I note that I have had most of them ever since I started having periods – no help there then.

In all honesty I have been longing for the day I finally reach menopause, I hate my periods, I always have. Before I had children I could spend up to 3 weeks of each month in severe pain, feeling sick and bloated, I’m sure some of you know how bad it can be and the only medical advice I got? “Learn to live with it.” I think after my third child things improved – I was down to a few days of feeling shitty. Fast forward through the years and my periods were still heavy, not to be disgusting but I had to change pads every couple of hours and frequently bled through. The good thing is that I had no pain or discomfort and they only lasted three days. I have been on Depo for contraception since January and all I have is occasional spotting and no other problems – bliss.

Even though I knew I was heading for the menopause I had never heard of peri-menopause, until last October. I have always struggled with depression and mood swings, which I’m pretty sure are linked to my hormones, but over the last five years or so I have learned to manage it. (I don’t take medication and haven’t had counselling, the reasons for which I’m not going to discuss here.)

Around Halloween last year I started to feel really bad again, not the way I usually felt during depressive phases but let’s just say it wasn’t nice. I couldn’t think straight, I developed a massive crush on someone that was never going to go anywhere, I started to get anxious in situations that had never been a problem before. By the end of it I had stopped going to college, I stopped my voluntary work and I pretty much just stayed home unless I had to go out. I started getting the symptoms I always got when I was pregnant – I was even contemplating doing a test. I hadn’t even kissed a man for five years how the hell could I be pregnant? But I was convinced I was. So off I headed to Google, the fount of all knowledge and typed in ‘pregnancy symptoms menopause’ and found page after page of women with the same thing. The strange thing is that as with dealing with my depression, knowing what’s causing the problem makes it easier to cope with. So long as I can remember to remind myself 🙂  and I think the Depo has helped even out the hormonal swings.

The big issue I’m having with it all is orgasms – or lack of them. I’ve never had a problem making myself come (although only one man was ever able to do it) but over the last couple of years it got more and more difficult to have an orgasm. I’m now at the stage where I don’t even try any more. After a long dry spell I’m now in a relationship and the sex is great, I have no issues with my libido or dryness thankfully but I still haven’t been able to have what I would call a proper orgasm – one of those cunt pulsating, full body, OH MY GOD! FUCK! YES! orgasms that I miss. I have to say that we don’t make my having an orgasm the main aim of sex, we enjoy it anyway, but I know he’d love to make me come and I’d love it too. I know that the contraception I use can affect the ability to have an orgasm but I’ve had this problem since before I started using it so the only thing I can put it down to is the fact that I’m getting older and the menopause is looming. I can only hope that it’s not permanent.

The Menopause Diaries