Doing OK

Boobday #47

It’s been a while since my last Boobday. I din’t realise quite how long 🙂

Today is also the last day of September, and while Self Love September didn’t go quite as planned due to a lot of real world stuff going on I did manage to take a good, long look at myself. I’ve recognised and worked out a few things about myself, I’m not all the way to completely loving myself but I’ve taken another few little steps along the way. I’ve accepted things and tried to work out how I feel about them, and in spite of how life is at the moment I think I’m doing OK.

And my boobs are still my favourite bit of me 😀

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More Boobday here.

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Hair

Kink of the Week #12

Kink of the Week September 1-15: Hair

Woman with really long hair kink

Image courtesy of Maria Opens Up

We have done pubic hair so I thought maybe we should also talk about the hair on our heads. For future reference we will also do other body hair.

Long hair, short hair, bald heads, curly, straight, wavy, blonde, red, black, brown, dyed, bangs (fringe for the UK’ers) tied up, let loose. I could go on and on with words that describe hair but you get the picture. Our hair is as varied and different as we are and it rarely stays the same throughout our lives. How we have our hair changes with time, mood, fashions, health and sometimes even wealth. Just as how we style our hair can change, so can how we feel about it.

Is hair in any way shape or form a kink for you? Could be your own or your partners? Maybe you have a thing for really long hair, is gender specific or is your love of hair more important than someones genitals? Do you have a kink for your own hair? Perhaps you have a specific style that you do to portray a certain personality or role, such a fierce tight bun to make you look like a school mistress, or girly pigtails when you are feeling ‘little’. We have already done pigtails as a kink of their own but if that is your thing feel free to cover it for this topic.

Do you love having your hair touched? Is there something so sensual about a lover running their fingers through your hair that just does it for you? Or maybe you like things a bit rough. What about hair pulling? Fuck yes or hell no? Of course maybe you are the hair puller? What is it about grabbing a handful of locks and using it to control them that presses your buttons?

When it comes to a man’s hair I prefer short or shaved. It’s all to do with the texture, how it feels against my skin. Like stubble, I love the roughness of it. I don’t know if I’d go as far to call it a kink but I’m more likely to check out a guy if he has a shaved head rather than long hair.

My hair is yet another part of me I don’t like, no surprise there. My natural colour is a dull mousy browny blonde, it’s dead straight, thin and is constantly falling out. When I was younger I kept it at shoulder length, through my teens of course it was greasy, I had dandruff, just yuck. I cut it as short as I was allowed and was slightly happier about it. I’ve had it at different lengths over the years and dyed it now and again as I started getting grey hairs when I was 18. I would have loved to have been a redhead and for my hair to have some body to it. I’m not into styling it, never have been, I hate visiting the hairdresser and I don’t have the money or the inclination to spend fortunes on it. When it’s long I usually just keep it tied back. At least grease and dandruff aren’t a problem now, I have the opposite – dry hair and an irritable scalp, but I’ve finally found products that work, which is something.

I don’t like my hair being touched until it comes to sex. Hair pulling is definitely a kink of mine, that feeling of a hand wrapped in my hair, being controlled, it does it every time. Just don’t stroke it.

More Kink of the Week here.

 

Question

Does anyone out there know how to fight nothing?

One of the toughest things I find I’m dealing with is the feeling of emptiness. I feel numb most of the time, there’s nothing inside.

It’s strange. In general I feel OK, but still the emptiness is there and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve had a fairly busy (for me) couple of weeks getting the kids back to school and spending time with my family, I’ve worried, laughed, talked, been fed up and annoyed.

I don’t know how to feel anymore.

Beauty, blogging, blow-ins and belonging

Sinful Sunday #44

And as it’s the first Sunday of the month that makes it prompt week. This week’s prompt is the letter B

Another post for Self Love September.

This isn’t the photo I had planned on originally and as Sinful Sunday is all about the image, you’ll have to wait a couple of days for a full explanation, but for now I want to say that belonging to this blogging community has taught me to see so much beauty in everyone, including myself.

B is for

More Sinful Sunday here.

Sinful Sunday

Thoughts on sex, intimacy and validation.

Self Love September

I’ve done an awful lot of thinking over recent weeks. This has mainly been because of the sessions I’ve had with the psychiatric team over the last couple of months – trying to figure out why this bout of depression has lasted for so long.

I haven’t discussed anything about sex or kink, but just thinking about other things means I think about it anyway and sometimes something as simple as reading a quote can be enough to make a connection.

Last week I read a post by Kayla Lords where she talks about true intimacy and I pretty much agreed with everything she said (you can read it here).

And yet, despite all the sex I’ve had, and all the things I’ve done and had done to me, that level of intimacy just makes me uncomfortable. No matter how things go there’s always, always a little niggle in the back of my mind, I think it’s because I find there is a definite line between personal and sexual intimacy. Personal for me would include cuddles, holding hands, having someone stroke my hair, showers/baths, brushing my  teeth, going to the loo, even getting dressed. And not just with someone I happen to be fucking. If I need my hair cut or dyed my sister does it (and not that often), my biggest nightmare would be a spa/pampering weekend (shudder). I don’t want massages or foot rubs either. It makes me uncomfortable when someone buys me something or gives me a gift, they probably mean well but I’d prefer it if they didn’t. I think that’s why I have issues with Xmas and birthdays. I don’t want romance, flowers, jewellery or any of that sort of thing (chocolate is OK as long as it’s a bar of something dark).

And I think I’ve finally figured out why some of this is. When it comes to men I really don’t want relationships, not what most people mean by a relationship anyway. I’ve never wanted to get married, even when I was younger I didn’t dream of a big white wedding, a house, kids and happily ever after. Having to share my space, thoughts or time with someone else. It makes me uncomfortable to spend more than a couple of days in someone else’s house, even family, and I don’t like having other people stay in mine. I’ve only ever lived with one person and I hated it. Hated everything that comes with living in one place with the same person. Especially when I didn’t even want to be with that person. I wanted to travel, go where I wanted, do what I wanted and not be tied to someone else.

Sex, for me, has always been a desperate need for validation, that someone does find me attractive, sexy, and wants me, not a need to share my life with someone. When they like me too much it puts me off, I don’t want to spend time with them. I know that’s one of things I’ve complained about when it comes to Irish men, that they don’t want to see you, except for drunk sex. And yet when the odd one has kept in touch it annoys me. Most of the sex I’ve had has been in the other person’s house and I usually leave as soon as possible, if I do fall asleep it’ll be as far away from them as possible in the bed. I’m not a snuggler. It was only during my last relationship I liked sleeping with his arms around me or holding hands went we went out.

The problem of course is that when your idea of worth comes from another’s validation, when you lose that you go back to feeling shitty again and on and on it goes. People find it hard to believe that I really don’t want to look for someone else. I did try a couple of online sites and if I got a message the thought of talking to someone, getting to know enough about each other to maybe meet up made me feel ill, so I’ve given up for now. I don’t know if things will change, and at the moment I think I really need to just concentrate on me, figure out how and why I feel the way I do before I think about whether I actually want anyone else in my life. I need to learn how to value me instead of relying on someone else to tell me what I’m worth, nor do I have the desire to have to worry about all the other stuff that goes with spending time with someone (including using the bathroom).

Right now when I think about the future, when the kids have finally all gone, all I want is a proper, little thatched Irish cottage, (not a modernised one) somewhere on the west coast of Ireland and to be left alone to do what I want to do whether that includes someone else or not.

Just a quick post

Wicked Wednesday #37

I know I said I wouldn’t be around much but we all know how well that works for me 😀 I’ve an empty house, everyone’s back to school and I need something to do.

As it’s September 1st, and I want to keep up with ‘Self Love September’ I thought this would fit in quite nicely with this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt (I know it’s Thursday) which is –

diary

Dear Diary…

Did you ever have a diary to which you told all your secrets? Or maybe you still have a diary? Share something sexy from your diary or share a sexy story with the prompt ‘Dear Diary’.

I’ve always tried keeping a diary but I’ve never done more than fill in a couple of pages before losing interest. I never seemed to have much to write about and it was more of an excuse to buy pretty notebooks.

Since I did a short course on writing a couple of years ago I’ve finally managed to get the habit. I now have notebooks for several different things – personal, quotes, ideas, stories etc. – and what better reason for starting another one than learning to love myself. This not just about how I look, this is about the whole package. Trying to figure out why I feel the way I do about the things that I don’t understand about myself, and my whole outlook on pretty much everything that’s got me to this point in my life.

I’ve already found that writing out my thoughts has helped me figure out several things about me, so I hope that by keeping a journal for the month while I read lots of new-agey self-help stuff will get me a little way further on my journey to liking me.

I hope to post a few times to let you know how I’m getting on, and also share any sites that I find interesting or useful.

Notebook

These are my notebooks of choice, this one still in its wrapper. 192 pages of creamy 120gsm loveliness. An absolute bargain at €4.

More Wicked Wednesday here.

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