Self Love September
I’ve done an awful lot of thinking over recent weeks. This has mainly been because of the sessions I’ve had with the psychiatric team over the last couple of months – trying to figure out why this bout of depression has lasted for so long.
I haven’t discussed anything about sex or kink, but just thinking about other things means I think about it anyway and sometimes something as simple as reading a quote can be enough to make a connection.
Last week I read a post by Kayla Lords where she talks about true intimacy and I pretty much agreed with everything she said (you can read it here).
And yet, despite all the sex I’ve had, and all the things I’ve done and had done to me, that level of intimacy just makes me uncomfortable. No matter how things go there’s always, always a little niggle in the back of my mind, I think it’s because I find there is a definite line between personal and sexual intimacy. Personal for me would include cuddles, holding hands, having someone stroke my hair, showers/baths, brushing my teeth, going to the loo, even getting dressed. And not just with someone I happen to be fucking. If I need my hair cut or dyed my sister does it (and not that often), my biggest nightmare would be a spa/pampering weekend (shudder). I don’t want massages or foot rubs either. It makes me uncomfortable when someone buys me something or gives me a gift, they probably mean well but I’d prefer it if they didn’t. I think that’s why I have issues with Xmas and birthdays. I don’t want romance, flowers, jewellery or any of that sort of thing (chocolate is OK as long as it’s a bar of something dark).
And I think I’ve finally figured out why some of this is. When it comes to men I really don’t want relationships, not what most people mean by a relationship anyway. I’ve never wanted to get married, even when I was younger I didn’t dream of a big white wedding, a house, kids and happily ever after. Having to share my space, thoughts or time with someone else. It makes me uncomfortable to spend more than a couple of days in someone else’s house, even family, and I don’t like having other people stay in mine. I’ve only ever lived with one person and I hated it. Hated everything that comes with living in one place with the same person. Especially when I didn’t even want to be with that person. I wanted to travel, go where I wanted, do what I wanted and not be tied to someone else.
Sex, for me, has always been a desperate need for validation, that someone does find me attractive, sexy, and wants me, not a need to share my life with someone. When they like me too much it puts me off, I don’t want to spend time with them. I know that’s one of things I’ve complained about when it comes to Irish men, that they don’t want to see you, except for drunk sex. And yet when the odd one has kept in touch it annoys me. Most of the sex I’ve had has been in the other person’s house and I usually leave as soon as possible, if I do fall asleep it’ll be as far away from them as possible in the bed. I’m not a snuggler. It was only during my last relationship I liked sleeping with his arms around me or holding hands went we went out.
The problem of course is that when your idea of worth comes from another’s validation, when you lose that you go back to feeling shitty again and on and on it goes. People find it hard to believe that I really don’t want to look for someone else. I did try a couple of online sites and if I got a message the thought of talking to someone, getting to know enough about each other to maybe meet up made me feel ill, so I’ve given up for now. I don’t know if things will change, and at the moment I think I really need to just concentrate on me, figure out how and why I feel the way I do before I think about whether I actually want anyone else in my life. I need to learn how to value me instead of relying on someone else to tell me what I’m worth, nor do I have the desire to have to worry about all the other stuff that goes with spending time with someone (including using the bathroom).
Right now when I think about the future, when the kids have finally all gone, all I want is a proper, little thatched Irish cottage, (not a modernised one) somewhere on the west coast of Ireland and to be left alone to do what I want to do whether that includes someone else or not.