My heart…

…belongs to him.

All these months on and still I can’t…

…stop thinking about him

…stop wanting him

…stop loving him

…think about looking for someone else.

I’ve tried, other sites, looking at other profiles, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to talk to anyone new, even in real life.

heart

Interlude

Today I felt like a little interlude –

This post is a mixture. A little about my journey, a little about my relationship, a little about the weekend and quite a lot about the inside of my head. It may be a bit rambling in places but it’s one of those ‘Just got to clear my head’ type of post that us bloggers are so fond of.

Before I met Sir the only things I knew about myself were that I wanted someone to tie me up, I had fantasies about being used. I liked sex, I enjoyed sex, I loved having a cock inside me. (As long as it wasn’t the ex). I didn’t have orgasms from sex, but it wasn’t really an issue, I still had fun. The only pain I’d experienced was biting, I liked being bitten, the neck, top of my shoulders, hard enough to leave a bruise but not really hard. I’d never been spanked, it wasn’t even something I had thought about and when Sir asked me about it that’s exactly what I told him. And as for my nipples, please, really, I’d prefer it if you didn’t pay them too much attention.

I’ve been having a look back through my journals from the beginning of this year, there are two. I started out with one, it contains all my usual day to day meanderings, a bit of fiction but it soon became more about my trying to work out what was going on between Sir and me, so in February I started a separate one. Page after page filled with my trying to understand the effect he had on me, why I turned to jelly every time he told me to do something, why I let him do the things he did, how had I fallen so hard for someone I had only known for a couple of months. I was finally in charge of my life after spending too many years being told what to do by someone else. Finally getting on with things, actually having a life, no way I was going to let another man start telling me what to do! To say I was conflicted is an understatement, and yet, every time we were together the same thing happened. Meanwhile back in my real day-to-day life I was becoming more confident, feeling better about myself, I had made some good friends, people I enjoyed spending time with, I was generally much happier – in short I felt damned good! I still hadn’t discovered the existence of this amazing online community and was trying to figure things out by myself, anything I did come across online only made things worse. Stories of subs who allowed their Dom/Domme to control every aspect of their lives even in LDR’s, contracts, rules I had to follow. Should I be letting Sir do that? I’m sorry but that wasn’t going to happen. I may be submissive but I wasn’t going to let someone I barely knew tell me what to do 24/7. If it works for others that’s fine but I knew it wasn’t for me, Sir likes the fact that I have a brain that I know how to use, that I know stuff, that I have opinions. Maybe things would have been a bit different if we saw each other more, I know it’s different when we are together, even with the limitations at my house. The weekend trips to Sir’s house were even more different, I could walk around naked, sit at his feet, ready for whatever he wanted to do. But always the questions I asked myself were – Just how far would I go? How far did I want to go? How far would Sir want to go? I love the fact that he’s a lot bigger than me, stronger than me – being made to do things, being overpowered, held down, used, being hurt, – all of these things are an incredible turn on for me. But I’m just as happy and turned on by just being told what to do. And I still can’t figure it all out.

Over the weeks and months we’ve actually gone further than I ever thought we would. From discussions on spanking and bondage to it becoming a central part of our relationship, from my curiosity about things will feel – his belt, nipple clamps, being hurt in general – that now sometimes it becomes a need so deep that I find it hard to cope with being apart. The photographs, this blog, Scavenger Hunts (I won’t even wear a swimsuit in public). All of these things have led to the fact that I was desperate to get away from home for a weekend, there were things we wanted that were impossible here – I wanted Sir to be able to tie me up properly, tie me to his bed, hurt me, use me. It wasn’t just wanting though, it was something I needed. And I still don’t know just how far we’ll go.

But I also need the times we spend together just talking, even if it is only a phone call. The ridiculous, meandering conversations we have. I listen to him talk about his day, he listens to me talk about my day (sometimes – I still don’t talk much on the phone). Both of us bitching or laughing about just ‘stuff’. The time spent when we’re together, talking, bitching and laughing over a glass of wine, talking about what we want to do together, what he wants to do to me, what I want him to do to me. I’ve never had these things before, never had someone who accepts me completely, someone who doesn’t judge me. Someone who not only knows the difference between when I just need a hug and when I need a damn good spanking, but, more importantly someone who is more than happy to supply either.

Maybe it’s time that I stopped judging myself, time to just accept that the answer to the question ‘Why?’ is one that I’ve used countless times before – ‘Because.’

Bastard

 

 

Weekend Continued

Part Three.

You can read Part One here and Part Two here

So, where was I? Oh yes, Friday evening, tied up unable to move my arms. I don’t remember the exact sequence of events but it involved being spanked, pulled about, picked up, fucked and totally used.

B+W Rope

One thing I do remember pretty clearly is the new pegs. Sir has used pegs before and whilst they hurt it’s a pain I can tolerate and I was hoping that this weekend Sir would use the clover clamps but pretty much as soon as he attached the pegs to my nipples I was squealing and begging for him to take them off. Unfortunately I don’t have a photo of them, but they should come with a warning, or a recommendation. There was no way I could tolerate the clovers after that, my nipples were still sore on Monday. (I think I need to write about my thoughts on pain at some point.)

I liked the rope (I may have mentioned it before) but it didn’t leave much in the way of marks.

Rope marks

Rope marks 2

Saturday morning – We had planned on actually going out of the house for a while. We tend to ignore the outside world but it’s good to get out occasionally – at least that’s what we tell ourselves fortunately unfortunately it was pissing rain so we had to stay in.

But Sir managed to find a way to keep himself amused.

Wrist

Ankle

He tied me to the bed and blindfolded me.

Waiting 3

 

Used some different pegs.

Ouch 2

Dripped wax on my boob.

Wax

And found other ways to amuse himself

Fingers

Fingers 2

This time I had some better ropes marks.

Saturday Rope Marks

 

Word for Wednesday

Word for Wednesday #11

A little word of warning before I get into today’s word. Please be aware that this week’s post deals with consent, consensual non-consent, rape fantasies, rough sex and BDSM.

Communication: The imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, writing, or using some other medium.

I’m not good at talking, I’m better than I used to be but there are still some things I find it hard to talk about. I prefer to write. When I first met Sir in person, because we had messaged each other so much online and by text it was as if I had known him for much longer. I still have trouble remembering that we’ve known each other for less than a year. He knows more about me than anyone else, he knows the online me, he knows the real world me. He knows me. He understands me (most of the time), he accepts me and still he loves me.

Before we finally met there’d been no real discussion of sex or kink, the first night we talked a bit about bondage and spanking. For me that had to be a first! Since then we have talked about almost every aspect of BDSM and kink, what interests us and what we’d like to explore. I’ve never had a relationship like this before. Because I couldn’t talk to partners it made things difficult. I ended up doing things I didn’t want to do, in situations I didn’t want to be in, all because I couldn’t open my mouth and say ‘I’m not happy. I don’t want this.’

One of the big things for us is consensual non-consent. I’ve always had rape fantasies, fantasies about being either pinned down or tied up and being forced to have sex with lots of strangers, Sir knows this. He has fantasies about pinning me down and using me, hurting me, fucking my arse when I don’t want him to, I know he has these thoughts. The difference in this relationship is that we’ve talked about these things, we communicate. Sometimes I might tell him about my fantasies in a story because I find it easier, but I’m working on actually talking to him. After I’ve written about it I do find it easier to talk about it, I just have trouble actually bringing the subject up in the first place. And it means he has more material for that whole mind fuck thing he does when he’s whispering in my ear, telling me what he wants to do, what he wants me to do.

This blog is another way of communicating, we talk about the posts especially if it’s a story he hasn’t read or photo he hasn’t seen. We talk about some of the comments and the fact that there are complete strangers who are now looking at photos of me and reading my words. I think he likes that.

When it comes to consent and the consensual non-consent area of our relationship, the agreement is that when we are together I am available for his use at all times, whatever he wants. He can wake me up if he wants to use me, he can touch any part of me when he wants, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants. But sometimes I can be a contrary cow. We both like it when I make him make me do things, when he has to force me to open my legs or suck his cock. I love rough sex and to be honest, the rougher the better. But he knows the difference between ‘No, please don’t’ and when I need him to stop, for whatever reason. His name is our safe word because I rarely use it when I’m talking to him or during sex, he knows if I use it I’m serious about stopping. Even though he constantly tells me ‘You’ll do what you’re told.’ (Just writing that gets me hot!) Obviously there are times things don’t always go as planned – times when I’m not feeling great, or we have yet another family ‘thing’ to attend, (I have a big family) but we work around it, we talk about it.

I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot recently, I think because I’m visiting Sir this weekend, which means we have a lot more freedom to do what he wants. I’m nervous? Scared? Worried? Excited? I don’t know, all of these I think, but in a good way. Because we’ve talked about it I know a little about what he has planned and I know we’ll be exploring some more.

Communication has become so important to me now, I love the fact that we can talk about anything without any judgement, and I love the fact that I finally have someone that I can talk to.

Click for more Words for Wednesday.

IMG_3026

Make Me

After my girlie post for Wicked Wednesday I thought I’d share something a bit less  soppy 🙂

Sometimes I’m not a very good submissive. I’ve been on my own for a long time, doing everything by myself. Sometimes I also have problems accepting that someone could really love me. Accept me for who I am and not want to change things about me. Sometimes I get in a contrary mood, especially if I’ve had a glass or two of wine. I don’t get drunk anymore but the odd time two glasses is enough to make me bratty. Then again sometimes I don’t even need to have had a drink, some days I just need to push.

Make Me

We’re lying sprawled across the bed, I’m pinned down by your weight. One arm underneath me, the other underneath you. You have one hand wrapped in my hair and the other one around my throat. Your leg between mine, rubbing against my cunt, wet from my juices, you cock hard against my leg as you whisper in my ear. ‘Why do you try and fight me? You know you can’t win.’ I know I can’t, for fuck sake, you’re bigger than me. Stronger than me. But sometimes I have to fight, to make you make me submit. ‘You know I’m going to get what I want in the end.’ I know you will but that still doesn’t stop me wriggling around under you. Your hand tightens on my throat. Not enough to cut off my harsh breathing but enough for me to feel how easily you could. If you wanted to. ‘I always get what I want. You’re mine to use in any way I want to.’ I know these things but still I know I can’t just give in to you. Your hand moves from my throat to my tit, stroking, teasing my nipple, making me moan. ‘This is mine.’ As you lower you head, licking, sucking, squeezing, pinching until I can’t think straight. Your hand travels further down my body as you kiss my mouth, ‘This is mine.’ Stroking my stomach, my thighs. ‘This is mine.’ As you slide your fingers along my clit and into my cunt, your palm against me, kneading me, squeezing me. ‘All of you is mine.’

‘Please.’ I whisper. As your cock slides inside me, filling me, completing me. All of me is yours as I finally submit to you.

I crave your dominance of me, it is primal, visceral. As urgent to me as breathing. But sometimes I need you to prove yourself. Make me.

Make Me