Today I felt like a little interlude –
This post is a mixture. A little about my journey, a little about my relationship, a little about the weekend and quite a lot about the inside of my head. It may be a bit rambling in places but it’s one of those ‘Just got to clear my head’ type of post that us bloggers are so fond of.
Before I met Sir the only things I knew about myself were that I wanted someone to tie me up, I had fantasies about being used. I liked sex, I enjoyed sex, I loved having a cock inside me. (As long as it wasn’t the ex). I didn’t have orgasms from sex, but it wasn’t really an issue, I still had fun. The only pain I’d experienced was biting, I liked being bitten, the neck, top of my shoulders, hard enough to leave a bruise but not really hard. I’d never been spanked, it wasn’t even something I had thought about and when Sir asked me about it that’s exactly what I told him. And as for my nipples, please, really, I’d prefer it if you didn’t pay them too much attention.
I’ve been having a look back through my journals from the beginning of this year, there are two. I started out with one, it contains all my usual day to day meanderings, a bit of fiction but it soon became more about my trying to work out what was going on between Sir and me, so in February I started a separate one. Page after page filled with my trying to understand the effect he had on me, why I turned to jelly every time he told me to do something, why I let him do the things he did, how had I fallen so hard for someone I had only known for a couple of months. I was finally in charge of my life after spending too many years being told what to do by someone else. Finally getting on with things, actually having a life, no way I was going to let another man start telling me what to do! To say I was conflicted is an understatement, and yet, every time we were together the same thing happened. Meanwhile back in my real day-to-day life I was becoming more confident, feeling better about myself, I had made some good friends, people I enjoyed spending time with, I was generally much happier – in short I felt damned good! I still hadn’t discovered the existence of this amazing online community and was trying to figure things out by myself, anything I did come across online only made things worse. Stories of subs who allowed their Dom/Domme to control every aspect of their lives even in LDR’s, contracts, rules I had to follow. Should I be letting Sir do that? I’m sorry but that wasn’t going to happen. I may be submissive but I wasn’t going to let someone I barely knew tell me what to do 24/7. If it works for others that’s fine but I knew it wasn’t for me, Sir likes the fact that I have a brain that I know how to use, that I know stuff, that I have opinions. Maybe things would have been a bit different if we saw each other more, I know it’s different when we are together, even with the limitations at my house. The weekend trips to Sir’s house were even more different, I could walk around naked, sit at his feet, ready for whatever he wanted to do. But always the questions I asked myself were – Just how far would I go? How far did I want to go? How far would Sir want to go? I love the fact that he’s a lot bigger than me, stronger than me – being made to do things, being overpowered, held down, used, being hurt, – all of these things are an incredible turn on for me. But I’m just as happy and turned on by just being told what to do. And I still can’t figure it all out.
Over the weeks and months we’ve actually gone further than I ever thought we would. From discussions on spanking and bondage to it becoming a central part of our relationship, from my curiosity about things will feel – his belt, nipple clamps, being hurt in general – that now sometimes it becomes a need so deep that I find it hard to cope with being apart. The photographs, this blog, Scavenger Hunts (I won’t even wear a swimsuit in public). All of these things have led to the fact that I was desperate to get away from home for a weekend, there were things we wanted that were impossible here – I wanted Sir to be able to tie me up properly, tie me to his bed, hurt me, use me. It wasn’t just wanting though, it was something I needed. And I still don’t know just how far we’ll go.
But I also need the times we spend together just talking, even if it is only a phone call. The ridiculous, meandering conversations we have. I listen to him talk about his day, he listens to me talk about my day (sometimes – I still don’t talk much on the phone). Both of us bitching or laughing about just ‘stuff’. The time spent when we’re together, talking, bitching and laughing over a glass of wine, talking about what we want to do together, what he wants to do to me, what I want him to do to me. I’ve never had these things before, never had someone who accepts me completely, someone who doesn’t judge me. Someone who not only knows the difference between when I just need a hug and when I need a damn good spanking, but, more importantly someone who is more than happy to supply either.
Maybe it’s time that I stopped judging myself, time to just accept that the answer to the question ‘Why?’ is one that I’ve used countless times before – ‘Because.’